Still Waiting

its almost three now and i'm still waiting for erica. to make matters worse amy is feeling very down because there is something wrong in the way some of the staff at the house respond to and treat amy. everything is a rule. if they are unhappy about something they call sheenay their boss, complain to her, get amy upset, and then i get a phone call about it. amy made the mistake yesterday of telling of the staff that she didn't like one of the other staff on duty and then that person passed along the information to the person was speaking of. so amy confided in a staff, she passed it along, it upset the woman, she talked about it outloud about how she does so much for amy, etc. she was hurt. then she refused to talk to amy and ignored her. of course sheenay was called and then i was called.

i guess its too much to expect from the staff to be professional in their job. that is something amy is going to have to learn. she has to deal with real people and when these people feel slighted or offended by what she may say, she is the loser. bunch of fucking telltale bitches getting paid minimum wage. what do i expect?

i feel so poweless about all of this . its not a family feeling in amy's house. i don't know what to do. all i want to do is get there and spend some time with her but here i sit waiting for my ride. dammit again.

Waiting

Its 2:30 in the afternoon and i'm feeling frustrated that Erica is not here yet to drive me to see Amy. Half the day is over and I know she's waiting there for me. dammit. i'm so upset i don't feel like writing right now.

Recluse Record

I do believe I've set a record for myself. Haven't left the house in seven days. Last time I was out was for a dr. appointment last thursday and its wednesday today. Mabel had a vet appointment for today but it looked like she/he got into food overnight; the blood test is too costly for it not to be right so next Monday we're on again. Got up late again today. Absolutely need to clean up or another new record might be set.

Had a double bowl of cheerios for b'fast but no worries, all I've taken in lately is salad, fruit, and chicken breast. it's getting old tho. have to think of a new project to do today or I will go nuts. today i also start taking the full dose of my new anti depressants. up until now i took a new one and a pristiqu the old one. i've noticed i'm not too chatty lately; not depressed, just quiet.

al's working on her wedding daily which is very exciting. i'm not heavy duty involved in the planning but how many mothers are? i don't know. al shares all her decisions with me and i'm glad for that. i better be walking by then. i have to be. left knee is really trouble tho. Daily I get onto Amy's bed with the height adjusted for standing up and i stand, take some steps, and sit down again. my goal is to do is three times a day at least and do the up down thing five times each time. i need to take more steps but my confidence level is not always good. what's the matter with me? i know how to walk. I have walked all my life. pain.....i'm not so good with.

its really cold out today. since the driveway is not icey i'll take my two garbage cans out. my life is pretty quiet and boring. i've got to spice it up but not in ways that my eating goes out of control. haven't heard back from anyone about the van at amy's house. thought roger was going to look into it, but he's not. i think i'll write an email. i also might just bundle up and sit outside for a while today. fun.

Wanting to call Amy

sitting here watching biggest loser. watched American Idol earlier wondering if Amy was watching at her place. I hold back on calling her because sometimes I'm afraid it'll make her homesick if we talk. She will tell me something that is wrong. Last nite I learned that the big van just purchased for her house is no longer there because of a neighbor's complaint. It is probably too big according to codes in Aurora. It made me sick enough to shed tears. Today I looked into some of the facts and put a call in to Joan the person in charge at thompson. Did not hear back yet.

i'm hungry. cooked chicken breasts twice in the last 24 hours. I need to have a protein source handy. cleaned my room today. Sorted through piles of clothes on the floor and put them in three laundry baskets: tops, home bottoms, and out of the house bottoms. i have nothing to do here during the day except sort through stuff and clean so I am taking advantage of the time I have. Think I will work on one of my closets tomorrow and give some stuff away.

yesterday i called Becky for the first time in 25 years. She was one of my room mates in college. She's been a widow for ten years, is retired from 33 years of teaching, is selling real estate, and built herself a new house. My other room mate has been diagnosed with ms recently and is aching and sad. then there's me in the wheelchair trying to stand longer each day and take steps.

been having pt three times a week. i'm actually doing the exercises and have regained the use of my left arm. i'm staying on track because my goal is to live again, feel i look my best, dance at al's wedding, be able to drive down to springfield to see annie, stop in champain to see al.....drive my new car, get a job, go out with friends, visit amy easily and take her places......

Doctors, Sick Cats, Being Alone

That's the list for today. I have too many doctors but that comes with having medical coverage and that is a good thing. The PT i see told me to get pain meds so that standing and walking is less painful. I asked the rheumatologist. He said ask the Internist. The Internist prescribed something that might interact badly with my crazy meds. Then she told me most paid meds may have a bad interaction with the CM's so I'm sticking with the usual otc meds.

My kitty Mabel has lost weight and has a condition that has to do with excessive drinking and peeing. Believe me, I know about the latter with the litter box and every time i look at the water bowl it is empty. Its a money matter with the vet bill but I have to know if Mabel has something that can be cured easily and inexpensively before i let him/her dwindle away. Rog just took on a cat from the shelter in Bismarck because Annie wishes she could have it but can't because she already has two cats. So she's bringing it to him on her way to Springfield. The new cat will cost some $$ at Rog's end, but what about poor Mabel who's been around for eight years already??? I feel its misguided good will when Mabel, Annie's cat is here and sick. It is now several minutes later and Mabel has an appointment two days from now. Rog is taking her there and then i have my last appt with the broken femur doc.

Loneliness...............yeah, i'm bored. i have to dig into some more projects to stay busy. Today I will cart out the christmas decorations to the storage bins in the garage. It's a nice little pile of stuff taking up space. My bedroom really needs to be picked up. There are piles of clothes that AT LEAST need to go into laundry baskets. Tops in one, pants, pj's etc.

I haven't been out of the house in three days. I don't have anywhere to go. I'm tired of writing. As always I feel sad and powerless about Amy's life. She needs a hairstyle that looks neater. It isn't fair the life she has to live.

Nobody Reads Me

No, this is not my dog but he has a sad sack face which I like. I never get any comments on what I write but Allison says she checks for a post every day. I'll quiz her on this later tonite!!

I was granted 60 hours a month of paid help today through "the government" which I'll use for cavorting around to fun places like the store and doctor appointments. I'll also use it for the things I've been depending on my ex for. So that's good. While I'm unable to drive I have a driver. It's like Driving Miss Daisy except I'm white.

What else? A PT comes to the house three times a week. I do the exercises she gives me three to four times a day including standing. what else do I have to do? I have a wedding in July and a car I haven't driven since April.

I'm mostly stressed worrying about Amy's happiness, who's combing her hair, is she getting showered enough? Just thinking about it makes me sad. I still miss her. She was home last weekend for three nights and when it came time to take her back, she did not want to leave home. She refuses to her her new place "home". I get that, though. I wish things were different for her.

Annie, if I haven't mentioned it earlier, is moving to this area for a new job in Springfield!! And Al is planning wedding daily.

Can't get excited about anything. Started new pills for "depression" and maybe that's why I'm feeling sort of flat. I like to keep busy. Think I'll make several trips out to the garage with Christmas decorations. Tree is still up. Maybe Erica will help me take it down tonite. Help me? Who am I kidding? She'll take it down while I watch.

Annie called me today asking if I'd be home on Feb 1 because she'd be passing thru town on the way to her new job in SPRINGFIELD!! She got the job and now all three of my girls will live in Illinois. Yay!! Also some of my financial worries are on hold for a while regarding my mortgage due to one person's generosity and another person's job searching. Enough said. I know what I mean and no one reads this blog anyway.

Christina, my physical therapist, is coming to my house three times a week and i am doing the prescribed exercises. My meals have been healthy except for a trip to a fish restaurant this week when I was downtown with Frenchie following a visit to my rhuematologist. A pound of fried shrimp is good for no one.

There was a meeting on Monday about Amy's new home and some of the methods of caregiving used. Most problems were resolved. Whether or not there will be follow thru remains to be seen. Amy will tell me. I am still not pleased with Amy's lack of peers in her home. Next week I am visiting another home within the agency that has an opening. There is much more room there, more people, and higher levels of functioning from what i've been told. Amy is lonely where she lives. My heart aches for her. I know she likes the staff at her house and doesn't want to leave them. But she also says she can't live there. One step at a time.

The christmas tree is still up. I removed the ornaments today but cannot take it down until someone does it for me. Bought a canvas bag for its storage so the mice and dirt don't attack it all year in the garage. I'm glad its still up. It reminds me of the cozy christmas we had this year with Walker's family and the whole family together. Our only other guests were Ken,Jane and Cliff--also Aunt Nancy and Scott. Paul stayed home in a funk I was told. Amy was home for only four days . I have mixed feelings about that. I miss her very much. I don't like not knowing who is taking care of her and how. This is a big difference even tho I was not physically caring for her since March. She was here and we talked and loved each other. Yep. It is hard and lonely without her. that's all for today.

Friday Night Glass of Wine....

I have a freezer full of lean cuisine dinners. They were on sale so I bought about 40 of them--mostly all different ones. I'm not fussy. It is great portion control eaten with a BIG SALAD and some fruit or more veggies.
Got a call from my interist's office telling me they couldn't tell me the lab results of all the blood they drew but that i need to make an appointment to come in. I demanded the nurse tell me or I'd be freaking out over it until the appointment. She said she'd have the dr call me because she could not tell results via phone because of her job title. So I'm waiting and not really worried because its probably because my thyroid is acting up or maybe I am anemic again.

A friend from my childhood visited today bringing meatloaf for sandwiches and homemade tomato soup. Had a great visit. It feels good to be able to go way back with someone.

Al is busy planning their wedding. They were not able to get the wedding place on the date they'd hoped pushing the wedding a month back and sooner. She is ignoring all wedding protocal for the most part and planning a big party with great music and good downhome food. Its going to be great fun.

Annie is waiting to hear about a job in Springfield, Il.

Tomorrow is Saturday and the plan to is to go to a movie with Amy and out for lunch or dinner. She has things she wants to talk to me about and talking on the phone at her house is not very private. I miss her face, her voice, her humor, her company............

I'm eating good food. I need exercise. Time to do something else.

Had my last meal of the day. Lean cuisine and salad. I used the balsamic dressing rather than the PN Olive Oil and vinegar because it has less oil in it. Earlier I was sitting here at the computer and I started thinking about ordering out. I threw the idea out and felt good about it.

Back to the litterboxes again. Two now. One is in the garage. All Mabel does is drink water and pee. Found cheaper litter courtesy of Allison who knew where to get it and Rog who went and got it--and another litter box. He took out the trash, salted the driveway, ran into jewel for a few things for me.....took me to the doc this am. Am I thankful for the help. Of course I am. But did I bring up the 500 pound gorilla between us---his working? no.

PT starts tomorrow twice a week. Weight bearing is mostly what is what i'll be doing and some exercises for my left shoulder. The party is over. The party where i'm in the wheelchair all the time with no pain and ease of getting things done around the house. I must dance down the aisle or whatever Allison has cooked up for the wedding. She already told me today if i could just transfer from a the wc to a chair but if i'm still not able to walk by then...........i don't know what.

Did one of the things the knee surgeon told me to do which is get an internist who follows the health concerns other than my knee issue. Went today. I like her. Kinda far to AH but soon i'll be driving again.

Time to relax before my lifter comes over whoever it will be.

Still lonely but working on that. I will be lonely until I can get myself out when i want to. Note to self: stay on track. Picture the girl's happiness to see me up and about. I know it pulls them down and worries them. Make way for a hot old lady!!

Grandchildren.........

Was on facebook looking at denice green and her eight grandchildren. she's younger than i am and has all those kids???? i think she started early. But it is more resolve for me. I want to see my grandchildren. I was also thinking about my college roomy kathy schmidt who never married. she is still big. like me. not crippled. she said something like i looked old when i saw her last. i beg her pardon. more resolve for joining the normal club and looking good.

and then there's the wedding coming up!! woo hoo. also learned that annie is one of the finalists for a job in Springfield Il !!! Fingers crossed--and toes.

Alone in the Nest

Its Tuesday, January 5. The holidays are over. Our Christmas was great. Annie flew in and so did Walker's parents, brother and girlfriend. The house was full with Amy home for 4 days, Annie for about the same and Al and W were at the house for two weeks with a small break when they visited friends in Monroe for New Years. I went to the Art Institute, to a movie, and out to dinner with everyone excluding Amy. Amy got a recliner and a talking clock from me, we all gave Annie a new laptop, Al orchestrated the whole christmas top to bottom and got nothing from me hardly, and I got a necklace and bracelet that Al combed the internet for. Its a brass heart that has "i love you" in different languages. Its like the bracelet my dad gave my mom and then gave me years later. It got lost but my memory of it never faded. I told Al about it, never expecting she would look for one, let alone find one. I love it/them.

It was one Christmas Eve that Walker made the announcement that he and Al were announcing that they would marry sometime in the future. Kathy and I looked at each other with tears in our eyes and hugged. I feel very lucky for Al that she has such a wonderful "other family". And I feel fortunate for myself too. Kathy is a great woman who cooked and did dishes much of the time she was visiting. Bless her. W's dad is a nice, mildmanner, funny, and quirky man who I feel very comfortable around. His brother is a peach as was his girlfriend, A lan.

Now everyone is gone and I am left to my task of losing weight and walking again. I can do it. I have to continue to remind my self that at this point, this IS my purpose in life. I am alone and able to dedicate myself to good eating, exercising, therapy, and whatever it takes to keep/make myself healthy so that i will be alive to enjoy my daughters' lives and to build one for myself.

I'm having difficulty choosing a food plan and that is stressing me out. the next step is usually giving up and that cannot happen. Allison is getting married this fall, i'm supposed to have knee surgeries this summer, the state i am in is out of the question.

I'm thinking I want to stay away from breads except whole grain occasionally. I'm wanting greens today and that's a clue that my body needs it. Al makes the best salads. There's something about a salad someone else makes for you.....

Time to put in an order for some greens and fruits from Peapod.

I will write every day.

Today I had canned soup for lunch, an apple, a handful of nuts.