It's been a year since I posted and now that I'm here, I don't feel like posting now either. So why am I here? It's 2011, I am 6 months from my 61st birthday, having already celebrated the big 60. I am still dealing with my weight this late in the game. I am 100 pounds overweight. I've had one knee replacement with another in the near future. In fact, the surgery was scheduled for a week ago, the 17th, and had to be put off due to extreme anemia--bad enough for transfusions and/or hospitialization.
On the 16th of March, just two weeks ago, I lost my balance and fell on a sharp edged table which sent me to the ER for xrays and an ultrasound. The results showed nothing broken but mail I received this past weekend from the hospital urged me to return for a follow up xray, just to be sure. Noted in the adendum section of the report were two very scarey things: one, that I have a "tortuous" aorta and, two, the word cardiomegala meaning enlarged heart. On top of that I take meds for blood pressure, cholesterol, and thyroid. Add to that back weakness making it hard to stand or walk for an extended period and shortness of breath.
And that is where I find myself today on the 29th of March 2011. I have blown the past 6 months of my life being inactive to the point of living in bed and binge eating at all hours of the day and night. I have gained about thirty pounds since September. Every new day brings hope until I overeat what I can find in the house, or, if I am out and about, find the nearest drivethru. I have sunk to ordering REGULAR coke from the drivethru. Every part of my life is affected by my bad health. I can't go places, walk any distance, take care of my disabled daughter, consider meeting or dating men, walk up a flight of stairs. It used to be extreme knee pain that crimped my style, but now with a practically bionic knee and the other one not acting up too much, I STILL have the same lifestyle I did before the knee replacement.
After Christmas was my plan to lose weight. As usual. As usual I'm still looking for that first day to start three months into the year. I'm caught in the cycle I've been in my whole life, but with the stakes much higher and not as much time left to get it right and be rid of this disease. My daughters I believe have given up on me privately in terms of attaining better health. They won't say it. They've said it all before. I am throwing my life away and still haven't stopped this merry go round. I want to jump off while its still spinning.............I want off.
I read a book about compulsive eating this week. I've read this author's books before and even purchased tapes by her. In a nutshell she believes that the only way off this merry go round is to completely stop dieting aka restricting. The guidelines, not even called RULES! are as follows:
1. Eat when hungry
2. Eat sitting down in a calm atmosphere--not in car
3. Eat with no distractions like radio, tv, reading etc.
4. Eat what your body wants
5. Eat until your body is satisfied
6. Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others
7. Eat with enjoyment, gusto, and pleasure
Years ago when I first read about this method I dismissed it almost immediately. Get real. Eat what I want and until I am satisfied? That seemed like a huge order to me. But now the years have passed and my eating disorder has progressed further to the point of my inability to follow any diet for even one day! I am living in this netherworld somewhere between life and death where I give in to every and any impulse about food. I went to Overeaters Anonymous meeting for almost two years from 2006 to 2008. The more I went, the harder it was for me to find the higher power I was supposed to. It was a nice group of people but I was a pretender in that group which is much like how I feel about going to church. So this is where I am today feeling an impending sense of doom about my body and my health and my ability to make it right, make it better, stop the insanity. This is where I must end for today.
