It is Saturday again already. I did not miss the 10 am meeting today. The church we meet in was locked so we met outside and sat on benches in the garden sanctuary. A cool peaceful breeze blew as we discussed the seventh tradition which talks about the oa groups being self sufficient through weekly donations from members. The discussion branched off onto the subject of money and how people handle -- it another problem area in my life. I stayed afterwards and talked with Ann confiding in her how much of a problem money is in my life and how badly I need to work. She shared some things with me that were not that different from many of my concerns. She looked as though she'd lost some weight and when she said she'd been abstinent, meaning free from compulsive eating, I told her I'd noticed the change.

Abstinence. I'm playing around with it, not taking it seriously, judging myself too harshly, while continuing the drive thru episodes. The other night on the way home from my Champaign trip, I fought with myself most of the way home finally tossing my wallet to the back of the van so I could not reach it. When I win these battles I feel great and when I do not, I pretend as tho it did not happen so I don't have to deal with conscience.

I need to start toting up some abstinent days and counting them out because one day builds on another and it gets easier. My abstinence is defined as refraining from compulsive eating but in my gut I know that NO DRIVE THRUS has to be a part of it also. I also need to address night time eating even tho all I have is yogurt or fruit but even that can be compulsive when its one thing after another.

So today I have been abstinent. I even cooked dinner on my little GF grill. And now I'm retiring to my own bed not the couch.

Saturday AM July 19

I missed my OA meeting this morning. There is no valid excuse except that I slept in because of sleeping probs this week. My sister in law Jane told me I should have gotten up and slept later. She's right. Today is my brother Ken's 55th birthday which I will be spending with his family later today. I want to be closer with that part of my family because aside from my daughters, it all the family I have left. How could that have happened??? I'll tell you. It happens when you get older, your parents die, and they only had two kids and you're one of them. I don't see bro Ken and Jane as much as I'd like to because their house is not accessible and getting Amy into the house isn't possible unless the young strong ones, cousins or siblings, are around to carry her. Here I am in my sixth week of my time without Amy and this is the first time we're getting together.

I'm experiencing writer's block lately, not because I have no issues to write about, but because I have too many to address. I'm avoiding the work it takes to give shape to my fears and concerns. I could go the opposite direction, however, and write about the good things in life. But I feel the need to address those things dancing around in the back of my brain thinking it will make them go away. Maybe a list of topics to write about in the future will help.

My alone time ends in two weeks. OMG I looked at the calendar and I am mistaken. I have THREE weeks left! How do you spell relief?

Friday

I'm longing to be somewhere other than where I am. Nothing too exotic but just not here at home. I think I'm lonely. I liked being in Bismarck and a part of Annie's life the week before July 4. Getting off the train and seeing her coming toward me in her little brown plaid summer dress brought tears to my eyes. I was feeling self conscious because back in January when she left, I told her that I hoped to be thinner next time I saw her. I am not, in fact maybe bigger. I was worried about meeting Annie's friends and keeping up with her and how I looked.

It was Sunday when I got there instead of Saturday morning as we'd planned. My train left Chicago a day later due to rain and train tracks being under water on the way to Bismarck so my traveling plans changed a little, but I ended up spending extra days as a result!!

In the post Monday Monday I talked about the people I met on train going to Bismarck. For some reason I saved that post but never published it till today.

Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself

I have not named this posting yet. If I had I'd have called it something like Back to Reality or Partial Seizure or maybe Fear. But I haven't yet.

I was playing around with colors and fonts a short while ago when my youngest daughter called from camp. I've trained her to say "I'm alright" right away when she calls so that my heart beat can return to normal because she has epilepsy and I worry that when a call comes in from camp or her cell phone that she will have had a seizure. Amy is at camp until August 9th giving me a little more than three weeks left out of the eight she spends at camp. Amy has cerebral palsy and is basically totally dependent upon me for her care. It is always my plan for this gift of 8 weeks to not only do some of the things I cannot do while Amy is at home, but also to spend it as mentally, spiritually and physically healthy as is possible. Some days I do better at it than others.

Back to the phone call......She told me that several days ago she experienced a panic attack where she was shaking and couldn't breathe. I asked her why I hadn't received a call. She chose to call her step-mom instead, and quite honestly, that is alright with me. It saved me the angst and gut wrenching fear at the time. Her step-mom told her it was probably a partial seizure -- so now, instead of shortly after it happened I find myself back in the clutch of feelings I'd put away for eight weeks. Out of sight out of mind??? Not really but certainly I do experience a pretty hefty reprieve from the daily feelings of care, worry, fear, angst, and more that I put myself through when Amy is home.

So Amy's news leads to feelings of powerlessness, depression and worry, ultimately sending me in a self destructive direction where food and anger and self pity govern my life. I realize I have only three more weeks and I'm back to life as usual. The period before she left for camp was rough for both of us. An observer would probably say that my behavior bordered on abusive. I promised Amy that she would return home to a happier, healthier mom as a result of our vacations from each other. As I re-live my historic response to her seizures, I am right back where I was five weeks ago..............and fear the end of this restful time.

A Week Later

Haven'twritten in a week. Can't even remember the week's events. I am at A&W which means Allison and Walker's house in Champaign. They are out buying bagels for breakfast. I've been a party girl this weekend. Out both nites wih the "kids" and their friends from the library program and last nite Thai food and then their fav bar again with a friend from Galena, Brenda. Ive gotten accustomed to their pull out couch and am now able to position myself so I can't feel the iron bar spanning the width of the bed.


damn they're back with NO BAGELS. the place has a website but its not there yet. those fuckers. I wasn't going to swear in this but since no one seems to read it, why not. sons of bees i wanted a bagel as if it was my next breath. I am posting on a laptop for the first time, actually using a laptop for the first time. I'm getting one for myself with the check I got from the President. Back to breakfast: A&W came home with a base for a Japanese soup and other assorted groceries including the biggest container of Chile garlic sauce I've ever seen. I've added it to my condiment family at my house but haven't had a chance to enjoy it the way I do here because unlike A&W, I don't regularly prepare my own meals.

My big plan for the eight week hiatus from hell, I mean break from Amy my daughter while she is at camp, was a makeover including healthy eating, exercising, and sleeping in my own bed and also losing one hundred pounds. I've done some of all actually, but have also spent a lot of time visisting my girls, too. Going home today sometime I imagine and back to my tractor seated adult trike or big ass trike as i like to refer to it. I'm smelling the beginnings of spices and greatly looking forward to whatever vegan masterpiece is set before me. I just hope there's PLENTY of it.

Monday Monday

Shots for Zoe and eye exam for me today. Right now my eyes are dilated so blogging might not be the best idea. Got the same frames I already have for my new ones partly because I don't like to look in the mirror while choosing glasses but mostly because the ones I have are very cool looking. Had to decide between single vision or bifocals and decided on single. My mono vision contacts take care reading.

Am having a food problem. Not only did I go out at midnight for food, I drove through taco bell for lunch and overate. It seems like nothing is sacred to me when it comes to food and eating. While on the train a man shared his story of losing 160 pounds by starting out riding a stationary bike. The result was a divorce down the road for him but he changed his life. He went from sedentary to being a long distance biker as in bicycle. Another of the people I met on my way to Bismarck was a very heavy man who used a power wheelchair because his legs couldn't carry him. I was looking at two extremes, two directions my life can go. Of course I choose the biker as opposed to the rider. Now to get there.

The train ride to Bismarck was comfortable except for the several hours I had to share my two seater with someone. I felt so unable to move I wanted to scream. My body was jittery and aching to move. Annie greeted me in a cute plaid summer dress. It felt soooo good to see her again. We got into her car and headed back to Bismarck about a 130 mile ride. Everything was new to me and exciting. I needed that.

Same Day Sunday

It's after 8pm now. Lolled around on Amy's new deck this morning till after one. Stayed home other than that. I watched the end of What's Eating Gilbert Grape this afternoon and identified with the mother in it. I'm not that big but like her, I do need special consideration and help getting around. I blame my knees and arthritis but its time for me to face the real culprit and stop making excuses. The movie was like a mini my family. The characters corresponded to family members with even the dad missing. Yeah. That's all I'm going to say.

I'm determined to get my life back or better yet, work on a new one. This is starting to sound trite and I STILL haven't talked about my trip or the characters I met on the train or the times Annie and I spent together. I may be avoiding it because I'm either lazy or saddened that it is over. With my memory, tho, I had better get over what it is fast. But I'm done for now.

Sunday Morning

It's 11:53 am and I'm just getting started. Went out with neighbors to a local place and karioked last night. I did my two regular songs Love Will Keep Us Together and My Guy. Amy had the other mike--my neighbor Amy. It was fun to be out but it is not fun to be invisible and that is what being this size is. I don't like it but do I dislike it enough to change it? This discussion gets old and nothing short of ACTION will change it.

Amy's live-in boyfriend or whatever we call them these days, drank too much as usual--way too much. I am so glad I have never had to live with that complication in my life. My dad, god rest his soul, nipped an alcohol problem when I was 16 and never drank again. He changed his life through AA, got more into playing his music and performing occasionally, got a small sailboat, and my folks worked on their marriage; because of this my brother and I reaped the benefits of a strong family life. My dad died just after turning 80 several years back. He was not ready to go but we don't have a choice in that matter. My mom is gone two years this summer. Emphysema, COPD, Brochitis........all a result of many years of smoking. That is the sad reality for so many who smoke their whole lives. I learned this morning from a tv show that anemia is a lack of oxygen in the blood. Another condition my mom had but at the time I didn't know about the connection to lack of oxygen in the blood. Basically she suffocated slowly.

I make no judgement about smoking. It smells, looks creepy, is expensive, robs you of your health and more but I carry 120 extra pounds on me which changes the way I live my life, my energy level, and also will shorten my life not to mention robs me of looking good--cause when you look good, you feel good. How true that is. And, just like my folks had their children begging them to stop and worrying about how it would shorten their lives.......my children beg me to get healthy so I can be here with them. Oh boy...............

Still haven't recounted my adventures. Why am I stalling? I do that. Can't even think of the word for that. It'll come to me.

My Mom Shirl Girl

Home Sweet Home ....but missing Annie

Got home last night at nine pm with take out food in hand and thirty bucks poorer after paying the cabbie. The tip was generous but he was there when i stepped (hobbled actually) off the train and we sat in a McD's drive thru line while a first-day employee tried to bungle my order. Both dogs were outside guarding the house when we drove up. They were excited to see me, but nothing over the top. They go nuts over anyone. They actually got better treatment while I was gone with walks and visitors and such, but who loves you more than your "mommy"?

Plopped down on my customary couch spot with my food, also customary, turned on the tv (need i say customary again?) and mentally scolded myself for all three. After being away from certain habits for several days, it was my hope to return home renewed and refreshed and with new, better habits. Realizing that self condemnation is not healthy, I got over it and enjoyed the evening. The food, however, did not set that well in me so there's a lesson. Watched Fox News which Annie does not subscribe to in Bismarck and some Conan and when the timer went off, I was already in slumberland.

This morning I am having breakfast out with my friend Amy and then later driving to daughter Amy's camp to drop off stuff she requested.
What I really want to do is recount my trip experiences and feelings before i forget them. The feelings I have about my daughters, and particularly my my most recent experiences with Annie, can bring tears to my eyes making me realize its normal to love your kids, but that I really need to get a life, and that should be in caps. GET A LIFE or at least more life.

Trip details follow later today. Right now its time to use my shower which hasn't been turned on for a week!!