Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself

I have not named this posting yet. If I had I'd have called it something like Back to Reality or Partial Seizure or maybe Fear. But I haven't yet.

I was playing around with colors and fonts a short while ago when my youngest daughter called from camp. I've trained her to say "I'm alright" right away when she calls so that my heart beat can return to normal because she has epilepsy and I worry that when a call comes in from camp or her cell phone that she will have had a seizure. Amy is at camp until August 9th giving me a little more than three weeks left out of the eight she spends at camp. Amy has cerebral palsy and is basically totally dependent upon me for her care. It is always my plan for this gift of 8 weeks to not only do some of the things I cannot do while Amy is at home, but also to spend it as mentally, spiritually and physically healthy as is possible. Some days I do better at it than others.

Back to the phone call......She told me that several days ago she experienced a panic attack where she was shaking and couldn't breathe. I asked her why I hadn't received a call. She chose to call her step-mom instead, and quite honestly, that is alright with me. It saved me the angst and gut wrenching fear at the time. Her step-mom told her it was probably a partial seizure -- so now, instead of shortly after it happened I find myself back in the clutch of feelings I'd put away for eight weeks. Out of sight out of mind??? Not really but certainly I do experience a pretty hefty reprieve from the daily feelings of care, worry, fear, angst, and more that I put myself through when Amy is home.

So Amy's news leads to feelings of powerlessness, depression and worry, ultimately sending me in a self destructive direction where food and anger and self pity govern my life. I realize I have only three more weeks and I'm back to life as usual. The period before she left for camp was rough for both of us. An observer would probably say that my behavior bordered on abusive. I promised Amy that she would return home to a happier, healthier mom as a result of our vacations from each other. As I re-live my historic response to her seizures, I am right back where I was five weeks ago..............and fear the end of this restful time.