This has been a summer of waiting. Waiting for approval of medical coverage so that I can have double knee replacement surgery. The past several summers with Amy gone at camp I was able to get out and visit friends and family and run errands. This summer I'm not in pain because I'm in this wheelchair and not bearing weight so its easier to do house work and cooking etc but I can't get out on my own unless someone drives me. I've done a lot of reading. I go bed early because I need assistance getting onto the bed so I watch a lot of tv till late at night. I stay in bed in the moring sleeping and reading because I know that I get up too early I'll be in the chair all day till seven pm. or so. I really feel like a senior citizen and I'm only 58!!
My plan is to regain my life after surgery and rehab so I can get back to independence and an active life style. This weekend Allison is moving to a house from an apartment; I wish I could be there "helping" her and experiencing it with her. I can't right now tho. Before the surgery I have to be cleared to have it by going thru many types of exams and tests. I hope i'm healthy enough to have it!
Took a shower today. I drape my wheelchair seat and back with shower curtain liners. It works just fine. My SIL is coming to visit tomorrow. I'm going outside to read for awhile. that's all I got.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Books Books BOOKS!
I have my own personal librarian. Her name is Betty and I remember her extension by the highway of the same name--355. Betty brings books to me at home as a part of the "homebound program" whose title is self explanatory. A service for shut-ins. There's a term I haven't heard in forever.
Before I was a teen, a piece of mail was delivered to my house asking for employment or help for "shut-ins". There was a picture of a pitiful looking man perhaps laying in bed and because of my youth, lack of knowing about life and what can happen to one during it, I laughed at the picture and the ad. I may have done more than laugh at it, perhaps respond to it and not in a kind way. It comes back to me in bits and pieces. It was a letter from this man asking for something. And all I could do was laugh. Talk about Karma. I remember something else that I think I laughed at which has also come and bit me in the butt. It was a book of matches that said "Made by the Handicapped" and when opened, the matches were mangled and broken. Yes, that was funny to me.
So was the Christmas Card I bought in Old Town over my first Christmas Break home from college. It was a picture of Santa hanging on the cross. Inside it said "Let's put Christ back in Christmas". I actually mailed that card to some friends. At the time I thought the card extremely irreverent and edgy. My mom looked at it and said something like "Oh, Kimmy........." but now i realize it wasn't irreverent. It was to the point and true. It wasn't something disrespectful to Jesus, but against over buying and forgetting the real meaning of Christmas. Why didn't I see that then? Maybe I did and have forgotten. There is a big chance of that actually.
So I have my own library lady and its great. I've just finished several short novels by Elizabeth Berg who grew up in the sixties as I did. I believe Amy will enjoy some of these books also and so I ordered some on tape for her today. God bless Amy. That's all I will say now because saying it brings tears to my eyes. I am proud of how she is maturing and dealing with what life has dealt her. She is at camp for eight weeks now, coming home every other weekend. She told me she hoped I didn't feel bad when she told me she does not miss me. I told her that's exactly how a well adapted person feels and that she is exactly that. If all goes as planned she will be leaving home within a couple of months to live in a group home with other adult women. She is ok with it and knows she must strike out on her own away from home to make her own new home. But I worry about evenings and tv and who will tell her what's on and when and who will watch with her? And i worry about everyting else about her care: what she will wear and how will she look, and who will make sure she looks ok, and who will make the bed comfy and clean, and keep her parts clean? and it goes on and on and I realize that I'm the one who's really in for the change..............yep its hard at this end.
Before I was a teen, a piece of mail was delivered to my house asking for employment or help for "shut-ins". There was a picture of a pitiful looking man perhaps laying in bed and because of my youth, lack of knowing about life and what can happen to one during it, I laughed at the picture and the ad. I may have done more than laugh at it, perhaps respond to it and not in a kind way. It comes back to me in bits and pieces. It was a letter from this man asking for something. And all I could do was laugh. Talk about Karma. I remember something else that I think I laughed at which has also come and bit me in the butt. It was a book of matches that said "Made by the Handicapped" and when opened, the matches were mangled and broken. Yes, that was funny to me.
So was the Christmas Card I bought in Old Town over my first Christmas Break home from college. It was a picture of Santa hanging on the cross. Inside it said "Let's put Christ back in Christmas". I actually mailed that card to some friends. At the time I thought the card extremely irreverent and edgy. My mom looked at it and said something like "Oh, Kimmy........." but now i realize it wasn't irreverent. It was to the point and true. It wasn't something disrespectful to Jesus, but against over buying and forgetting the real meaning of Christmas. Why didn't I see that then? Maybe I did and have forgotten. There is a big chance of that actually.
So I have my own library lady and its great. I've just finished several short novels by Elizabeth Berg who grew up in the sixties as I did. I believe Amy will enjoy some of these books also and so I ordered some on tape for her today. God bless Amy. That's all I will say now because saying it brings tears to my eyes. I am proud of how she is maturing and dealing with what life has dealt her. She is at camp for eight weeks now, coming home every other weekend. She told me she hoped I didn't feel bad when she told me she does not miss me. I told her that's exactly how a well adapted person feels and that she is exactly that. If all goes as planned she will be leaving home within a couple of months to live in a group home with other adult women. She is ok with it and knows she must strike out on her own away from home to make her own new home. But I worry about evenings and tv and who will tell her what's on and when and who will watch with her? And i worry about everyting else about her care: what she will wear and how will she look, and who will make sure she looks ok, and who will make the bed comfy and clean, and keep her parts clean? and it goes on and on and I realize that I'm the one who's really in for the change..............yep its hard at this end.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
My July 4th Weekend
It's July 5. I'm writing before Erica comes to lift me onto my bed with the hoyer. Had more than one lean cuisine for dinner. i'm stuffed. i even took the liberty of using some rooster sauce which is a gamble for my "system" because that there stuff is hot! its an asian spicy type of salsa in a way. My dear sis in law Pam spent the afternoon with me. We sat on the front driveway and simply chatted. i'm always comfortable with Pam. We've known each other for as long as Al's been alive and some before then. Its the same with my other sis in law, sheila. Our husbands are brothers, still hanging out together, smokin and drinking and bs-ing same as always. And we are all divorced from them, them from us. Whatever.
Pleasant afternoon, subway lunch, good conversation. I had some impatiens I hadn't planted yet because i can't get the wheelchair to the spot where i want them. Pam put them in for me--five of them. Now i'm listening to Jack Johnson.
Yesterday, the 4th was rainy till about four. I was invited to Deb's and thought i'd go but it rained all day and i took my time taking a shower and then sat at the kitchen table reading a book my Elizabeth Berg putting off calling over for a ride to Deb's. I kinda thought rog might call and say when should i pick you up, but he didn't. and it wasn't his job to do that either. It was my job to set up my plans and i didn't. And it was fine. Went back and forth between feeling like i should be somewhere with people but my people are grown up and away. Allison called more than once. She is in Washington with walker and his fam. She and W were walking along the edge of the lake his folks live on - on their way to his grandparent's house across the lake for a 4th celebration. Annie sent me a pic of the canoe she was in on a sandbar in some river in N Dakota. She and her bf were camping with friends. Amy called from camp in the morning while her wheelchair was getting decorated for the holiday. The campers go to a park where there's music, food and fireworks. I envy some of the things the girls get to do but am always happy for them. I wonder if my mom ever felt envious of my youthful activities years ago.
I think she may have envied my youth but she had my dad and her life with him and I believe they were happy for the most part. After Ken and I left, they had each other, their boat, the yacht club and friends..........good for them. While i was living my young married life, I never worried about my mom or dad. They had each other. Now I have grown up daughters concerned about me, me being alone, my health, what i'm doing, and while I love talking to them and hearing from them. i don't want to be something in the back of their mind that makes them feel guilty for the full life they're living. and i'm afraid i am.
i'm particularly vulnerable right now with both knees shot, unable to pick myself up out of my wheelchair, needing assistance every night. I'm not even 60. This knee surgery WILL happen and soon. I WILL receive necessary funding for it. I have to. I'm in this chair needing someone every night until i do. its not like i can will myself up and out of the chair. how did i get here? no time for blame tonight. it doesn't help anyway, does it?
no.
Pleasant afternoon, subway lunch, good conversation. I had some impatiens I hadn't planted yet because i can't get the wheelchair to the spot where i want them. Pam put them in for me--five of them. Now i'm listening to Jack Johnson.
Yesterday, the 4th was rainy till about four. I was invited to Deb's and thought i'd go but it rained all day and i took my time taking a shower and then sat at the kitchen table reading a book my Elizabeth Berg putting off calling over for a ride to Deb's. I kinda thought rog might call and say when should i pick you up, but he didn't. and it wasn't his job to do that either. It was my job to set up my plans and i didn't. And it was fine. Went back and forth between feeling like i should be somewhere with people but my people are grown up and away. Allison called more than once. She is in Washington with walker and his fam. She and W were walking along the edge of the lake his folks live on - on their way to his grandparent's house across the lake for a 4th celebration. Annie sent me a pic of the canoe she was in on a sandbar in some river in N Dakota. She and her bf were camping with friends. Amy called from camp in the morning while her wheelchair was getting decorated for the holiday. The campers go to a park where there's music, food and fireworks. I envy some of the things the girls get to do but am always happy for them. I wonder if my mom ever felt envious of my youthful activities years ago.
I think she may have envied my youth but she had my dad and her life with him and I believe they were happy for the most part. After Ken and I left, they had each other, their boat, the yacht club and friends..........good for them. While i was living my young married life, I never worried about my mom or dad. They had each other. Now I have grown up daughters concerned about me, me being alone, my health, what i'm doing, and while I love talking to them and hearing from them. i don't want to be something in the back of their mind that makes them feel guilty for the full life they're living. and i'm afraid i am.
i'm particularly vulnerable right now with both knees shot, unable to pick myself up out of my wheelchair, needing assistance every night. I'm not even 60. This knee surgery WILL happen and soon. I WILL receive necessary funding for it. I have to. I'm in this chair needing someone every night until i do. its not like i can will myself up and out of the chair. how did i get here? no time for blame tonight. it doesn't help anyway, does it?
no.
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