It's July 5. I'm writing before Erica comes to lift me onto my bed with the hoyer. Had more than one lean cuisine for dinner. i'm stuffed. i even took the liberty of using some rooster sauce which is a gamble for my "system" because that there stuff is hot! its an asian spicy type of salsa in a way. My dear sis in law Pam spent the afternoon with me. We sat on the front driveway and simply chatted. i'm always comfortable with Pam. We've known each other for as long as Al's been alive and some before then. Its the same with my other sis in law, sheila. Our husbands are brothers, still hanging out together, smokin and drinking and bs-ing same as always. And we are all divorced from them, them from us. Whatever.
Pleasant afternoon, subway lunch, good conversation. I had some impatiens I hadn't planted yet because i can't get the wheelchair to the spot where i want them. Pam put them in for me--five of them. Now i'm listening to Jack Johnson.
Yesterday, the 4th was rainy till about four. I was invited to Deb's and thought i'd go but it rained all day and i took my time taking a shower and then sat at the kitchen table reading a book my Elizabeth Berg putting off calling over for a ride to Deb's. I kinda thought rog might call and say when should i pick you up, but he didn't. and it wasn't his job to do that either. It was my job to set up my plans and i didn't. And it was fine. Went back and forth between feeling like i should be somewhere with people but my people are grown up and away. Allison called more than once. She is in Washington with walker and his fam. She and W were walking along the edge of the lake his folks live on - on their way to his grandparent's house across the lake for a 4th celebration. Annie sent me a pic of the canoe she was in on a sandbar in some river in N Dakota. She and her bf were camping with friends. Amy called from camp in the morning while her wheelchair was getting decorated for the holiday. The campers go to a park where there's music, food and fireworks. I envy some of the things the girls get to do but am always happy for them. I wonder if my mom ever felt envious of my youthful activities years ago.
I think she may have envied my youth but she had my dad and her life with him and I believe they were happy for the most part. After Ken and I left, they had each other, their boat, the yacht club and friends..........good for them. While i was living my young married life, I never worried about my mom or dad. They had each other. Now I have grown up daughters concerned about me, me being alone, my health, what i'm doing, and while I love talking to them and hearing from them. i don't want to be something in the back of their mind that makes them feel guilty for the full life they're living. and i'm afraid i am.
i'm particularly vulnerable right now with both knees shot, unable to pick myself up out of my wheelchair, needing assistance every night. I'm not even 60. This knee surgery WILL happen and soon. I WILL receive necessary funding for it. I have to. I'm in this chair needing someone every night until i do. its not like i can will myself up and out of the chair. how did i get here? no time for blame tonight. it doesn't help anyway, does it?
no.
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