today is worse than yesterday but not as bad as tomorrow. sounds like a song from the 70's. my physically handicapped daughter is crying and wailing for a "helper" to arrive and get her out of bed and shower her. the usual one is unreliable and now we are waiting for the fill in who has yet not arrived. worst of all i know i should have gotten her up myself. i didn't because i pay people to do it because i have rheumatoid arthritis and am generally unable to do it quick and efficiently but today i should have just gotten amy up myself.
i am not paying for today as if it makes matters any better---or for the day recently this same thing happened and the worker showed up sick and coughing all over the place. amy needs to be cared for by someone other than me, her mother. and that is a source of angst for both of us as is the change in her life, my life, as we work towards finding her a different place to live and grow and become herself away from me, her depressed, obese, in pain and broken down mother.
amy is 21 and several years back is when i realized that the easy carefree times are long gone in terms of being her mom and life in general for me. i used to refer to a general ache i always had in my heart for her because of her disability cerebral palsy and the different life she has been assigned.
it is 9:20 am and the helper is still not here with the original arrival time having been at 7:30 and every minute i hear her crying i know i should have, should right now go and get her up but not doing it because the helper is bound to show up any minute. right. the employee from the agency did not call me to tell me that she'd secured another person to come to my house. i finally called to find out when the regular helper would be here only to learn that she was not coming after all and someone from a town 10 miles away would be here. that was an hour ago. it is so unfair for amy to lay in bed and wait and for me to assume this person is moments away from arriving.
its an hour and a half later, amy is up without shower because she was so worked up she opted for a bed bath, breakfast is over and i'm about to start on the kitchen which has not been cleared of dirty dishes for over a week. allison is due back early this evening from hawaii a nice little perk of having a bf whose parents take great vacations and bring her with.
i never recovered from xmas and slid into a slump after amy went back to school on the 7th of jan. we had about 15 days at home together with cold temps, snow and ice basically isolated from anyone and everyone unless i ventured out with my walker to take in a movie with amy driving a big cold van with a dangerously loose running board i have to balance on hanging on to the steering wheel as i pull myself up into the van. once i'm in and have caught my breath all is well till its time to get out again. in and out of that van is rigorous activity further aggravated by a left shoulder that does not work and is in need of replacement according to docs who say it is "bone on bone" which explains the excruciating punishment it doles out when i attempt to put it to work. to complete this picture i am at least 100 pounds overweight and my knees, ankles and back can no longer support the load so i am sedentary, weak and breathless with the slightest output. and i don't see things improving in the slump/hole i have come to call normalcy.
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