Inactive Despair

inactive despair the opposite of active love the blog name. why am i wasting my time writing negative despairing thoughts? because i can not write anything else these days. i am in the lowest of lows ever. never have i done so little, been so inactive, let amy stew in one of her books on tape and cared so little.

i tell no one how i feel. to what end? i don't want attention or advice and no one can help me. i'm on a downward slide which is gaining momentum. i am steeped in guilt over my lack of involvement in bettering amy's life. all i want to do is sleep when she is at school.

pain is one issue. weight is another. anger, resentment, and self pity. fear of amy's future. and mine.

i try to refresh myself with meditation and good actions but lasts a short time. this might be something to big to battle and win over this time.

and i am lonely. i think i am. i choose to keep to myself. phone conversations are bland and short with me. i will not lay my world open. it is too bleak and my energy is too low to even try to tell what is happening to me. i am writing this because i still have a shred of hope for change. maybe i will look back at this and be thankful to be out of it, past it. i hope so.