Swirling in my head

Too many things are swirling around in my head. I have very important things to do and because I get overwhelmed, I lose energy and direction quickly. Swirling around in me is a desire to become healthy and weigh much less, find a new group home or living situation for my disabled daughter, find employment, and somehow save my home before it gets taken away from me. Add to that the constant effort of trying to quell and dispel anger at my ex husband who has decided not to honor his legal duties as far as marital support goes by choosing to stop working in his profession as a lawyer. I also have two older daughters who I rely on too much for talk. I end up stressing them out with the details of my life which they should not have to endure. Mostly, tho, I need to become able to move around freely, walk more than a short distance before getting out of breath and having back pains......and I still need another knee replacement.

I need to be present in my disabled daughter's life for a long time to come. I also have not had the pleasure of grandchildren yet. I feel like my life is over with the way I live it now. Out of control eating, lack of movement, loss of energy, and loss of motivation are on the front burner. I can't achieve any of the other things I need to do until I can function as a living, breathing, moving person.

Spent some time this morning on the phone looking into alternative places for Amy to live. No progress.

Joined Weight Watchers last night and will go to first meeting tomorrow morning. I had planned on going this morning at 9am but didn't make it out of bed. Great start.

As I sit here, I feel energy draining from me. I'd rather go back to bed and watch tv instead of take the shower and go to Aldi for food. What makes today or tomorrow any different from yesterday when I ate a Big Mac, Double Filet Fish, Medium Fry, Large Milkshake for dinner as I sat in my car in the McDonald's parking lot zoned out listening to talk radio? My life lately is cleaning up and regaining organization after having Amy home for the weekend. It takes me all week to pick up, do a little laundry, get some food before the next time Amy is home which is usually Fri or Sat.

I started wearing a CPAP machine at night because at a sleep study I went to, they told me I hsd sleep apnea. I'm turning the machine back in. It has a way of letting the authorities know how much i use it and it makes me nervous. Plus I am depressed going to bed knowing I'm putting that thing on. I hate it. My ex said no one ever sticks with those things, so I decided I might at well end it now, instead of spending a lot of time trying to to get used it only to give it up anyway. Not too smart, maybe. I got a lot of bigger stuff to worry about, fish to fry, or whatever.

I turned up the heat to get ready for my shower. Its so hot here now. I might go shower.