Yesterday my left knee had its first birthday. No more pain in it anymore. Strong like bull as my Grandpa Kozak used to say about me. Somehow it didn't seem like a compliment at the time, but he was always good for a dollar whenever I left his house. Later it was a twenty dollar bill I left his house with, and still later, he and my grandma gave me the downpayment on my first house. Thanks, Grandpa. Or as we like to say in my family Zheel, beel, kareel...Kahftan!!
I had a day on program yesterday, meaning Weight Watchers, which I will from here on refer to as WW or sometimes ww if I am too lazy to hit the shift key. I even had a 12 inch sub for dinner. That's not really the best choice to make. A six incher would have been better but I had 28 points left at dinnertime and that is what a spicy italian twelve incher comes out as. My point total per day is 41 but it will change as my weight changes.
I spent yesterday on my feet as much as possible. I did not get on my bike but I was very active, cleaning the other living room where my now missing cat left me a Christmas surprise which I found a week ago as I was taking down the Christmas tree. There was a small cardboard box under the tree toward the back that had a few ornaments in it. It was repurposed as a receptacle for cat urine--otherwise known as a litterbox. I wondered where that smell was coming from. Since that time, the cat Mabel has not come home. He probably found a house he likes better, but when that happens, I usually get a phone call from the house he's been hanging at because his name and address is on his tag. Drove around the neighborhood with Amy last weekend calling his name. Someone said they'd seen him recently. Time will tell. Plus he is diabetic and needs his insulin--something I'd not been to faithful about lately. So he could be dead but he is not. He is just peeing a whole lot--a symptom of his disease which is what makes the litterbox such a full time job when he is around. So if there is any guilt here, it is that I was not injecting him regularly as I did several months ago. Sorry, Mabel. Hope you show up soon. Kinda.
Amy is coming home this evening. It is Thursday and Easter weekend. She is happy because she gets three nights at home. Erica is coming two of the mornings to shower her etc. but on Easter morning I'm on my own. On that day we are driving to Al's house in Champaign to meet up with Annie too. Meanwhile, I need to take the van for an oil change toda and get some food in the house.
I have not written about Weight Watchers in this post. It is a plan I am following for obvious reasons. I am in a denial of sorts because when I start thinking about the whole thing I get nutty. But it should be the biggest thing in my life right now because it needs to be.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Warmest Day of the Year So Far
It's in the 70's today. In the past when warm weather began I'd get depressed because I hadn't lost weight over the winter so I could emerge in the Spring like a butterfly. These days the warm weather warms my body and soul making me ready to say goodbye to jackets and cold winds. I've been on a binge since after Allison's wedding last summer and the evidence is there slowing me down, aggravating my arthritic moves and o so unattractive. But....although I've still not joined the club as was my plan this morning, I know I will come Monday.
Amy is listening to her book on tape for a bit. We saw a movie today. A good one called The Adustment Bureau. Tomorrow we're going to try a neighborhood walk with one of the dogs. Amy's book just ended so this must end also.
Amy is listening to her book on tape for a bit. We saw a movie today. A good one called The Adustment Bureau. Tomorrow we're going to try a neighborhood walk with one of the dogs. Amy's book just ended so this must end also.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Swirling in my head
Too many things are swirling around in my head. I have very important things to do and because I get overwhelmed, I lose energy and direction quickly. Swirling around in me is a desire to become healthy and weigh much less, find a new group home or living situation for my disabled daughter, find employment, and somehow save my home before it gets taken away from me. Add to that the constant effort of trying to quell and dispel anger at my ex husband who has decided not to honor his legal duties as far as marital support goes by choosing to stop working in his profession as a lawyer. I also have two older daughters who I rely on too much for talk. I end up stressing them out with the details of my life which they should not have to endure. Mostly, tho, I need to become able to move around freely, walk more than a short distance before getting out of breath and having back pains......and I still need another knee replacement.
I need to be present in my disabled daughter's life for a long time to come. I also have not had the pleasure of grandchildren yet. I feel like my life is over with the way I live it now. Out of control eating, lack of movement, loss of energy, and loss of motivation are on the front burner. I can't achieve any of the other things I need to do until I can function as a living, breathing, moving person.
Spent some time this morning on the phone looking into alternative places for Amy to live. No progress.
Joined Weight Watchers last night and will go to first meeting tomorrow morning. I had planned on going this morning at 9am but didn't make it out of bed. Great start.
As I sit here, I feel energy draining from me. I'd rather go back to bed and watch tv instead of take the shower and go to Aldi for food. What makes today or tomorrow any different from yesterday when I ate a Big Mac, Double Filet Fish, Medium Fry, Large Milkshake for dinner as I sat in my car in the McDonald's parking lot zoned out listening to talk radio? My life lately is cleaning up and regaining organization after having Amy home for the weekend. It takes me all week to pick up, do a little laundry, get some food before the next time Amy is home which is usually Fri or Sat.
I started wearing a CPAP machine at night because at a sleep study I went to, they told me I hsd sleep apnea. I'm turning the machine back in. It has a way of letting the authorities know how much i use it and it makes me nervous. Plus I am depressed going to bed knowing I'm putting that thing on. I hate it. My ex said no one ever sticks with those things, so I decided I might at well end it now, instead of spending a lot of time trying to to get used it only to give it up anyway. Not too smart, maybe. I got a lot of bigger stuff to worry about, fish to fry, or whatever.
I turned up the heat to get ready for my shower. Its so hot here now. I might go shower.
I need to be present in my disabled daughter's life for a long time to come. I also have not had the pleasure of grandchildren yet. I feel like my life is over with the way I live it now. Out of control eating, lack of movement, loss of energy, and loss of motivation are on the front burner. I can't achieve any of the other things I need to do until I can function as a living, breathing, moving person.
Spent some time this morning on the phone looking into alternative places for Amy to live. No progress.
Joined Weight Watchers last night and will go to first meeting tomorrow morning. I had planned on going this morning at 9am but didn't make it out of bed. Great start.
As I sit here, I feel energy draining from me. I'd rather go back to bed and watch tv instead of take the shower and go to Aldi for food. What makes today or tomorrow any different from yesterday when I ate a Big Mac, Double Filet Fish, Medium Fry, Large Milkshake for dinner as I sat in my car in the McDonald's parking lot zoned out listening to talk radio? My life lately is cleaning up and regaining organization after having Amy home for the weekend. It takes me all week to pick up, do a little laundry, get some food before the next time Amy is home which is usually Fri or Sat.
I started wearing a CPAP machine at night because at a sleep study I went to, they told me I hsd sleep apnea. I'm turning the machine back in. It has a way of letting the authorities know how much i use it and it makes me nervous. Plus I am depressed going to bed knowing I'm putting that thing on. I hate it. My ex said no one ever sticks with those things, so I decided I might at well end it now, instead of spending a lot of time trying to to get used it only to give it up anyway. Not too smart, maybe. I got a lot of bigger stuff to worry about, fish to fry, or whatever.
I turned up the heat to get ready for my shower. Its so hot here now. I might go shower.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
A Year Later
It's been a year since I posted and now that I'm here, I don't feel like posting now either. So why am I here? It's 2011, I am 6 months from my 61st birthday, having already celebrated the big 60. I am still dealing with my weight this late in the game. I am 100 pounds overweight. I've had one knee replacement with another in the near future. In fact, the surgery was scheduled for a week ago, the 17th, and had to be put off due to extreme anemia--bad enough for transfusions and/or hospitialization.
On the 16th of March, just two weeks ago, I lost my balance and fell on a sharp edged table which sent me to the ER for xrays and an ultrasound. The results showed nothing broken but mail I received this past weekend from the hospital urged me to return for a follow up xray, just to be sure. Noted in the adendum section of the report were two very scarey things: one, that I have a "tortuous" aorta and, two, the word cardiomegala meaning enlarged heart. On top of that I take meds for blood pressure, cholesterol, and thyroid. Add to that back weakness making it hard to stand or walk for an extended period and shortness of breath.
And that is where I find myself today on the 29th of March 2011. I have blown the past 6 months of my life being inactive to the point of living in bed and binge eating at all hours of the day and night. I have gained about thirty pounds since September. Every new day brings hope until I overeat what I can find in the house, or, if I am out and about, find the nearest drivethru. I have sunk to ordering REGULAR coke from the drivethru. Every part of my life is affected by my bad health. I can't go places, walk any distance, take care of my disabled daughter, consider meeting or dating men, walk up a flight of stairs. It used to be extreme knee pain that crimped my style, but now with a practically bionic knee and the other one not acting up too much, I STILL have the same lifestyle I did before the knee replacement.
After Christmas was my plan to lose weight. As usual. As usual I'm still looking for that first day to start three months into the year. I'm caught in the cycle I've been in my whole life, but with the stakes much higher and not as much time left to get it right and be rid of this disease. My daughters I believe have given up on me privately in terms of attaining better health. They won't say it. They've said it all before. I am throwing my life away and still haven't stopped this merry go round. I want to jump off while its still spinning.............I want off.
I read a book about compulsive eating this week. I've read this author's books before and even purchased tapes by her. In a nutshell she believes that the only way off this merry go round is to completely stop dieting aka restricting. The guidelines, not even called RULES! are as follows:
1. Eat when hungry
2. Eat sitting down in a calm atmosphere--not in car
3. Eat with no distractions like radio, tv, reading etc.
4. Eat what your body wants
5. Eat until your body is satisfied
6. Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others
7. Eat with enjoyment, gusto, and pleasure
Years ago when I first read about this method I dismissed it almost immediately. Get real. Eat what I want and until I am satisfied? That seemed like a huge order to me. But now the years have passed and my eating disorder has progressed further to the point of my inability to follow any diet for even one day! I am living in this netherworld somewhere between life and death where I give in to every and any impulse about food. I went to Overeaters Anonymous meeting for almost two years from 2006 to 2008. The more I went, the harder it was for me to find the higher power I was supposed to. It was a nice group of people but I was a pretender in that group which is much like how I feel about going to church. So this is where I am today feeling an impending sense of doom about my body and my health and my ability to make it right, make it better, stop the insanity. This is where I must end for today.
On the 16th of March, just two weeks ago, I lost my balance and fell on a sharp edged table which sent me to the ER for xrays and an ultrasound. The results showed nothing broken but mail I received this past weekend from the hospital urged me to return for a follow up xray, just to be sure. Noted in the adendum section of the report were two very scarey things: one, that I have a "tortuous" aorta and, two, the word cardiomegala meaning enlarged heart. On top of that I take meds for blood pressure, cholesterol, and thyroid. Add to that back weakness making it hard to stand or walk for an extended period and shortness of breath.
And that is where I find myself today on the 29th of March 2011. I have blown the past 6 months of my life being inactive to the point of living in bed and binge eating at all hours of the day and night. I have gained about thirty pounds since September. Every new day brings hope until I overeat what I can find in the house, or, if I am out and about, find the nearest drivethru. I have sunk to ordering REGULAR coke from the drivethru. Every part of my life is affected by my bad health. I can't go places, walk any distance, take care of my disabled daughter, consider meeting or dating men, walk up a flight of stairs. It used to be extreme knee pain that crimped my style, but now with a practically bionic knee and the other one not acting up too much, I STILL have the same lifestyle I did before the knee replacement.
After Christmas was my plan to lose weight. As usual. As usual I'm still looking for that first day to start three months into the year. I'm caught in the cycle I've been in my whole life, but with the stakes much higher and not as much time left to get it right and be rid of this disease. My daughters I believe have given up on me privately in terms of attaining better health. They won't say it. They've said it all before. I am throwing my life away and still haven't stopped this merry go round. I want to jump off while its still spinning.............I want off.
I read a book about compulsive eating this week. I've read this author's books before and even purchased tapes by her. In a nutshell she believes that the only way off this merry go round is to completely stop dieting aka restricting. The guidelines, not even called RULES! are as follows:
1. Eat when hungry
2. Eat sitting down in a calm atmosphere--not in car
3. Eat with no distractions like radio, tv, reading etc.
4. Eat what your body wants
5. Eat until your body is satisfied
6. Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others
7. Eat with enjoyment, gusto, and pleasure
Years ago when I first read about this method I dismissed it almost immediately. Get real. Eat what I want and until I am satisfied? That seemed like a huge order to me. But now the years have passed and my eating disorder has progressed further to the point of my inability to follow any diet for even one day! I am living in this netherworld somewhere between life and death where I give in to every and any impulse about food. I went to Overeaters Anonymous meeting for almost two years from 2006 to 2008. The more I went, the harder it was for me to find the higher power I was supposed to. It was a nice group of people but I was a pretender in that group which is much like how I feel about going to church. So this is where I am today feeling an impending sense of doom about my body and my health and my ability to make it right, make it better, stop the insanity. This is where I must end for today.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Sunday at Home
Who am i kidding? Everyday is at home. Not for long tho. Tomorrow I see the surgeon for the knee replacement. My fingers are crossed. I have done the things he wanted me to do and I'm hoping to get this done well before Al's wedding.
I need to document how Amy is feeling now that she is taking Baclofen, a drug to help decrease spasticity. The dosage is increased in small increments weekly. This is the beginning of week 3; she takes it three times daily now. She is extremely sleepy, moreso now with the new dose. I asked the doc's nurse if the drowsiness will subside to which she said yes, but how do we determine the cost/benefit ratio? I reminded Amy of how she was in tears before the Baclofen when her legs were so tight and heavy. She doesn't feel much different she says re her spasticity and then she contradicts herself. The staff person said Amy is repeating herself more under this drug. Great. Feeling worried and lost so will talk to her doc tomorrow. I asked Amy if she could go another week and see what happens. She didn't sound too hopeful and said "I thought I was my own guardian?" and I reminded her that she was the decisionmaker regarding the new drug.
I stayed home this weekend instead of visiting Amy. I just started Nutrisystem and want to be free of eating out. Sounds really selfish now when I write it down. Damn. My helper is coming over shortly to park my Scion where I can get into it easily and I'm going to drive it a little today. I should be going to see Amy. Its an hour there, another one back plus the time in between. What to do? Its already 2pm.
I need to document how Amy is feeling now that she is taking Baclofen, a drug to help decrease spasticity. The dosage is increased in small increments weekly. This is the beginning of week 3; she takes it three times daily now. She is extremely sleepy, moreso now with the new dose. I asked the doc's nurse if the drowsiness will subside to which she said yes, but how do we determine the cost/benefit ratio? I reminded Amy of how she was in tears before the Baclofen when her legs were so tight and heavy. She doesn't feel much different she says re her spasticity and then she contradicts herself. The staff person said Amy is repeating herself more under this drug. Great. Feeling worried and lost so will talk to her doc tomorrow. I asked Amy if she could go another week and see what happens. She didn't sound too hopeful and said "I thought I was my own guardian?" and I reminded her that she was the decisionmaker regarding the new drug.
I stayed home this weekend instead of visiting Amy. I just started Nutrisystem and want to be free of eating out. Sounds really selfish now when I write it down. Damn. My helper is coming over shortly to park my Scion where I can get into it easily and I'm going to drive it a little today. I should be going to see Amy. Its an hour there, another one back plus the time in between. What to do? Its already 2pm.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
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